I faced the fact that in order to be a tool of grace, I desperately needed grace myself. In a moment of confessing and forsaking my delusions of autonomy and self-sufficiency, I faced my weakness of character, wisdom, and strength. I admitted to God and myself that I didn’t have inside of me what it takes to do the task I was called on to do. I did not have the endless patience, faithful perseverance, constant love, and ever-ready grace that were needed to be the instrument in the lives of my children that God had appointed me to be. And in that admission, I realized that I was much more like my children than unlike them. Like them, I am naturally independent and self-sufficent. Like them, I don’t always love authority and esteem wisdom. Like them, I often want to write my own rules and pursue my own plan. Like them, I want life to be predictable, comfortable, and easy. Like them, I would again and again make life all about me.
It hit me that If I were ever to be the tool of transforming grace in the lives of my children, I needed to be daily rescued, not from them, but from me! That’s why Jesus came, so that I would have every resource that I need to be what he has chosen me to be and do what he has called me to do. In his life, death, and resurrection I had already been given all that I needed to be his tool of rescuing, forgiving, and transforming grace.
I can't even possibily begin to count the times that I have felt that my ability to parent well, yea- even to love well, was completely beyond the possibility of success. Actually, I'd probably have more success counting the times I knew moments of competency! Doubts began in the very beginning- they are allowing us to take this beautiful creation home? Sickness. Discipline. Growing independence. They continued even, especially, today- are we allowing our children experiences they will hate us for, or even worse- suffer for, in the years to come? There are moments, days, seasons, in our home, in our family, that are painful, discordant, anguished. Desperate cries for rescue. And yet, there remains the light of hope, and of promise.
... in order to be a tool of grace, I desperately need grace myself.
That is the truth that I cannot allow myself to forget, for their sake, for His...
(art credit:
Grace by paintingtruth at etsy.com)
